Thoughts: Love Story
I remember as a child that the thought of kissing grossed me out. At 9 years old there was no way I would be able to kiss on my wedding day, even a hug would be pushing it. It was so bad that even when I watched Disney movies, I would cringe every time I saw the Princess kiss her newlywed. Eventually I got over it, but then as I became older the idea of sex was a weird concept. It was a foreign territory to me, and when my friends would describe their late night shenanigans I would think they were brave, and possibly stupid. I didn't think I would ever be able to lay naked next to someone. I think it had to do with trust, and in my mind it wasn't possible to trust someone that much. In my mind, love didn't exist, and the possibility of falling in love was nonexistent for me.
Now, embarrassing confession: I didn't lose my virginity until college. Yes you read that right. Don't feel bad for me, it was a personal choice. (I know you are reading this and thinking I'm a total loser but that's okay.) I dated around in high school, of course it was nothing serious. I felt like something was wrong with me. All of my friends were in love, and yet I couldn't be satisfied with my high school boyfriends. Of course I would say I loved them, but I did it only to make my S.O. at the time feel better, I never felt like I truly was in love with them and that I absolutely needed them in order to make my life complete. I even had a phase where I thought I was asexual because I couldn't bring myself to do the -ahem- big deed. After a dull and totally unexciting high school romance which lacked some type of love story to tell my future children that a guy was my first love, or the one that got away, I packed up my bags and went to college.
Which brings me to when I met E. My father had just got me into jiu-jitsu (which is like wrestling, but better) and E lived in the town where I was attending college. My dad talked to E, who I had meet briefly before (honestly like two minutes), about being my coach while I was attending college, to which E agreed to. So I get moved in, and I get a friend request and message from E, which entailed his address and time they would be training. Of course, I stalked his profile just like any young college girl would and decided he wasn't my type, and was extremely nervous about going into some stranger's house. I pulled up in my little white Ford Ranger and lightly knocked on the door, I could hear the rock music blasting from the garage and I honestly felt like I would vomit from nerves. He lets me in, and there I met another wrestler he trains with. I was still new and didn't know much at the time so I decided to watch. Suddenly, it looks like E is having a seizure, and I start freaking out, asking if I need to dial 911. Turns out, the guy choked him unconscious, and as soon as he comes to, he was questioning who I was and why I was there, extremely awkward. Anyways, after that I still decided to give it a chance and I kept training, and we eventually developed a friendship, and then eventually I developed a crush different that any crush before. I actually felt attracted to him. Not only emotionally, but physically for the first time in my time. Now E was hot from the beginning, all muscular with baby blue eyes and a chiseled jawline, but it grew deeper. I looked forward to going to his house and rolling around on the mats with him. Everyone would always make fun of us and ask if we were dating yet, I would always giggle and decline it, even though I wished it was true. He was single, I was single, it was perfect timing, or so I thought.
One day I brought my sister over to watch me train. We went to the same college so I figured after training we could get some food and spend some time together. She was currently courting a guy (who turned out to be a douche) so I didn't think it was a bad idea, until E ended up adding her on Snapchat and asking her out on a date. Yeah, my little heart was crushed. Luckily, my sister declined and told me everything that happened. Like the petty person I am, I told him I would be missing training tonight due to 'family issues'. I went to a nearby lake and cried it out with my roommate and best friend Laura, and begged my sister to somehow get my some alcohol to drown my sorrows. As I ugly cry to Laura he texted me apologizing, urging me to keep training. He said he didn't know I had a crush on him, and if he had known he would have never asked my sister out. I believed him because I was never forward about my feelings towards him (lesson learned). Even though I was mad at him I didn't want to quit jiu-jitsu so I agreed to train the next evening.
It was awkward. I was quiet, and every movement was methodical. In my mind from here on out it was strictly business. It was like that for awhile until he invited me to go to his friend's party, which I took as a date. Except it really wasn't and I passed out on the couch next to his best friend. (It was platonic absolutely no sexual touching at all). The party was fun though, and he invited me back. This time it was different. He held my hand and touched my hair, which was super romantic since we were drinking apple cider by a bonfire. He drove me back to my truck, opened my side of the car door like a gentleman, and touched my face, too scared to kiss me, and said goodnight. Don't worry, the next time we say each other we finally kissed and decided to try things out.
So moral of this long story, love stories can absolutely suck, and they will most likely never be like the movies. I don't think it is possible to truly fall in love until you can be completely vulnerable to someone and still want them around, especially if they are the cause of the vulnerability. E gave me one heck of a time, and during some moments I could literally choke him, but it's been one year and it has been the best ride of my life. There was a point I never wanted to see him again, and that I felt betrayed by the obvious flirting that would happen during our training sessions. But, I also learned the great gift of forgiveness. I confidently say I am in love with E, and I hope for many more years.
This past year we have traveled to all the way down to Georgia, Ohio, conquered Nashville, Tennessee, and have been all over Kentucky. We have lived together, moved towns, and changed jobs. We had our first, second, and probably third fight. (But we know we are both stubborn and always get over it, even if it takes a few days). You also fixed my truck more times than I can count. This past year we shared our first Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Valentine's Day together (thanks for the bomb meatloaf and red wine even though I hate wine). Now we are about to share our second Thanksgiving and Christmas together. I can't wait to make more memories with you, and I am so thankful for you.
To one year E,
I love you most.
